Trying too hard not to care.

I'm done with this. I try. I try too hard. I care too much. I tell myself that it doesn't matter. If it happens it happens. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. But once again I find myself upset. Why do you ask? He says we should think longer about this. Why do I find myself sad? After all, I would probably push him away later if we did decide to take that leap.

Like I said when it gets to certain point I just turn off. But I want to fall for someone who doesn't allow me to do that. Who forces me to take a good look at myself. Who doesn't allow me to push him away. Someone who will help make me a better person. But all they do is mess me up farther. To the point where I don't know who or what I am.

And as usual I feel alone.

Confused

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. And I feel like If I don't decide soon, I'll just waste my life away.

And I'm so scared of relationships. I guess what brought most of this on was seeing a guy I went on a couple of dates while I was at wal-mart. He looked lonely and sad. And it made me wonder if I should have given him a second chance. Here I am sometimes really depressed that I don't have a boyfriend, and here was this guy that totally ready to love me. Yeah he moved too fast, but if I had given him a second chance would it have worked? Or was it all me? My deep fear of relationships and letting a guy see the real me. I don't even know why I have this fear. I'm so scared of their past. Of finding out stuff I don't want to know.... I guess most of it is I'm afraid of not living up to their expectations. Of my being so inexperienced and all. I'm scared of how they'll deal with that.

Writing all of this has made me realise what I'm really scared of. I'm scared of being taken advantage of. That's the root of all these fears. I know you have to take a risk to find happiness, but I'm so scared of being taken advantage of that I don't seem to be able to take that risk. I guess I'd rather be unhappy.

I have no idea what to do. I just feel so lost and alone.