Beginning Poetry

minutes pass in seconds
your melody's swirl around a single thrumming note
the sounds you make feel like home
a home I've never known

It's July already? Holy Fluff!

This summer has been moving along at a very fast clip and I'm not happy about it! It kind of scares me to be honest. I don't feel like I'm living my life to the fullest, but at the same time, it's like, how can I right now? I'm working all the time, trying to save money for school. It's all like all about.. money money money!!!! I'm sick of it, but I can't stop. I need a car, I have to pay for school, textbooks, and a laptop, I have several trips planned, the list goes on. It's stressing me out a little.

Plus, not having a lot of friends doesn't help either. I miss Courtney so much. I love the friends I have here, don't get me wrong, but they don't get me like Court does.

I'm just afraid that my life is going to pass me by, that I'll keep telling myself it'll be better next year and then I'll blink and I'll be forty saying the same thing..... It's enough to make me shudder. Ha. Enough whining though. I am pretty happy at the moment, even though It may not seem like it with the way I whine on here all the time. I've been doing better at not letting the stresses in my life affect my mood so much. I just shrug it off, knowing that it'll work it out somehow.

Enough for now, I'll be back soon.

<3 Andrea

A sorry state

In a bit of a sorry state at the moment. It'll pass, as it always does. I'll move on, forget you, just as I've forgotten everyone else who's hurt me. Or at least pretend to forget. Not that you hurt me as much as other people have. Because of those people, I've managed to guard my heart, keeping it from major damage by people like you. But I still get so disappointed, thinking that maybe it will be different this time, but it never is. It never is.

Of course listening to songs from the past that used to mean so much to me always helps bring on this feeling.

Well I'm off to take a shower and get myself outta this crappy mood.

<3 Me.

So, yeah....

It's been a while. A LONG while, but I've gotten to this point where I feel like if I don't have someplace to vent, I am going burst into a million little pieces. You know, like those confetti popper things. Yep. Yeah I have friends I can talk to, but I don't feel like burdening them with my crap. They have enough to deal with, ya know? And there is only so much you can say on facebook.

Which leads to one BIG pet peeve of mine. How come people find it easier to comment on my wall on FB, then to pick up the freaking phone and CALL ME? Ok, mini-vent over.

ANYways... here I am again. Posting about crap that no one needs to hear, but I really need to get out of my system. Here is one that has been annoying my system for awhile. I think I am allergic to this topic, either that or it is allergic to me.

So, boys. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em, right?

First off, how come they're all overly into you, calling you amazing when they don't even know you fully yet, and just as you start believing that they mean it, just as you think maybe you feel the same, they just stop? I know why. It's always the same reason. They find someone else they're into more. This has happened to me more than once. I'm used to it, so I don't let it get to me that much. He's just a guy, and there are plenty of them around. I don't let myself fall for anyone, because I know what will happen. And then they wonder WHY I am hesitant to hangout with them, to get to know them, so on. I mean damn, come on. YOU are the reason.

I just want to be loved. But I'm not going to just settle. I'm not looking for perfect, I gave up that un-realistic want a long time ago. I just want someone who is upfront, who says:
Here, this is my past. I know I've done stupid stuff, I know I've been an asshole. I know all this. But I want you to know that it's past, so take it, or leave it. I want someone genuine. Someone with a good heart, who at least tries to be a good person. I want someone who wants me, for all that I am and all that I'm not, and in return, I'll do the same. Does someone like that even exist? Am I shooting for the stars here?

I have so much love to give, but no one to give it to. Is it so bad to want to be loved? To want a boyfriend? I can convince myself that I don't need one, that I'm better off, but it only works for so long. I'm only lying to myself. The want is always there, I can't make it go away. I can only hope that someday, I'll meet a guy worth meeting, when the timing is right.

It'll happen...... I hope.

Bring you down. Hard.

It's funny how you can be sad and happy at the same time. Things make you happy, things make you sad. It never seems to be one or the other. I'm learning to deal with this. But I want to learn to be happy with what I have more then I am at the moment. There is always something to bring you down. Hard. Things that shouldn't really bring you down. The small things. They're the worst.

Trying too hard not to care.

I'm done with this. I try. I try too hard. I care too much. I tell myself that it doesn't matter. If it happens it happens. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. But once again I find myself upset. Why do you ask? He says we should think longer about this. Why do I find myself sad? After all, I would probably push him away later if we did decide to take that leap.

Like I said when it gets to certain point I just turn off. But I want to fall for someone who doesn't allow me to do that. Who forces me to take a good look at myself. Who doesn't allow me to push him away. Someone who will help make me a better person. But all they do is mess me up farther. To the point where I don't know who or what I am.

And as usual I feel alone.

Confused

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. And I feel like If I don't decide soon, I'll just waste my life away.

And I'm so scared of relationships. I guess what brought most of this on was seeing a guy I went on a couple of dates while I was at wal-mart. He looked lonely and sad. And it made me wonder if I should have given him a second chance. Here I am sometimes really depressed that I don't have a boyfriend, and here was this guy that totally ready to love me. Yeah he moved too fast, but if I had given him a second chance would it have worked? Or was it all me? My deep fear of relationships and letting a guy see the real me. I don't even know why I have this fear. I'm so scared of their past. Of finding out stuff I don't want to know.... I guess most of it is I'm afraid of not living up to their expectations. Of my being so inexperienced and all. I'm scared of how they'll deal with that.

Writing all of this has made me realise what I'm really scared of. I'm scared of being taken advantage of. That's the root of all these fears. I know you have to take a risk to find happiness, but I'm so scared of being taken advantage of that I don't seem to be able to take that risk. I guess I'd rather be unhappy.

I have no idea what to do. I just feel so lost and alone.