Beginning Poetry

minutes pass in seconds
your melody's swirl around a single thrumming note
the sounds you make feel like home
a home I've never known

It's July already? Holy Fluff!

This summer has been moving along at a very fast clip and I'm not happy about it! It kind of scares me to be honest. I don't feel like I'm living my life to the fullest, but at the same time, it's like, how can I right now? I'm working all the time, trying to save money for school. It's all like all about.. money money money!!!! I'm sick of it, but I can't stop. I need a car, I have to pay for school, textbooks, and a laptop, I have several trips planned, the list goes on. It's stressing me out a little.

Plus, not having a lot of friends doesn't help either. I miss Courtney so much. I love the friends I have here, don't get me wrong, but they don't get me like Court does.

I'm just afraid that my life is going to pass me by, that I'll keep telling myself it'll be better next year and then I'll blink and I'll be forty saying the same thing..... It's enough to make me shudder. Ha. Enough whining though. I am pretty happy at the moment, even though It may not seem like it with the way I whine on here all the time. I've been doing better at not letting the stresses in my life affect my mood so much. I just shrug it off, knowing that it'll work it out somehow.

Enough for now, I'll be back soon.

<3 Andrea

A sorry state

In a bit of a sorry state at the moment. It'll pass, as it always does. I'll move on, forget you, just as I've forgotten everyone else who's hurt me. Or at least pretend to forget. Not that you hurt me as much as other people have. Because of those people, I've managed to guard my heart, keeping it from major damage by people like you. But I still get so disappointed, thinking that maybe it will be different this time, but it never is. It never is.

Of course listening to songs from the past that used to mean so much to me always helps bring on this feeling.

Well I'm off to take a shower and get myself outta this crappy mood.

<3 Me.

So, yeah....

It's been a while. A LONG while, but I've gotten to this point where I feel like if I don't have someplace to vent, I am going burst into a million little pieces. You know, like those confetti popper things. Yep. Yeah I have friends I can talk to, but I don't feel like burdening them with my crap. They have enough to deal with, ya know? And there is only so much you can say on facebook.

Which leads to one BIG pet peeve of mine. How come people find it easier to comment on my wall on FB, then to pick up the freaking phone and CALL ME? Ok, mini-vent over.

ANYways... here I am again. Posting about crap that no one needs to hear, but I really need to get out of my system. Here is one that has been annoying my system for awhile. I think I am allergic to this topic, either that or it is allergic to me.

So, boys. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em, right?

First off, how come they're all overly into you, calling you amazing when they don't even know you fully yet, and just as you start believing that they mean it, just as you think maybe you feel the same, they just stop? I know why. It's always the same reason. They find someone else they're into more. This has happened to me more than once. I'm used to it, so I don't let it get to me that much. He's just a guy, and there are plenty of them around. I don't let myself fall for anyone, because I know what will happen. And then they wonder WHY I am hesitant to hangout with them, to get to know them, so on. I mean damn, come on. YOU are the reason.

I just want to be loved. But I'm not going to just settle. I'm not looking for perfect, I gave up that un-realistic want a long time ago. I just want someone who is upfront, who says:
Here, this is my past. I know I've done stupid stuff, I know I've been an asshole. I know all this. But I want you to know that it's past, so take it, or leave it. I want someone genuine. Someone with a good heart, who at least tries to be a good person. I want someone who wants me, for all that I am and all that I'm not, and in return, I'll do the same. Does someone like that even exist? Am I shooting for the stars here?

I have so much love to give, but no one to give it to. Is it so bad to want to be loved? To want a boyfriend? I can convince myself that I don't need one, that I'm better off, but it only works for so long. I'm only lying to myself. The want is always there, I can't make it go away. I can only hope that someday, I'll meet a guy worth meeting, when the timing is right.

It'll happen...... I hope.

Bring you down. Hard.

It's funny how you can be sad and happy at the same time. Things make you happy, things make you sad. It never seems to be one or the other. I'm learning to deal with this. But I want to learn to be happy with what I have more then I am at the moment. There is always something to bring you down. Hard. Things that shouldn't really bring you down. The small things. They're the worst.

Trying too hard not to care.

I'm done with this. I try. I try too hard. I care too much. I tell myself that it doesn't matter. If it happens it happens. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. But once again I find myself upset. Why do you ask? He says we should think longer about this. Why do I find myself sad? After all, I would probably push him away later if we did decide to take that leap.

Like I said when it gets to certain point I just turn off. But I want to fall for someone who doesn't allow me to do that. Who forces me to take a good look at myself. Who doesn't allow me to push him away. Someone who will help make me a better person. But all they do is mess me up farther. To the point where I don't know who or what I am.

And as usual I feel alone.

Confused

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. And I feel like If I don't decide soon, I'll just waste my life away.

And I'm so scared of relationships. I guess what brought most of this on was seeing a guy I went on a couple of dates while I was at wal-mart. He looked lonely and sad. And it made me wonder if I should have given him a second chance. Here I am sometimes really depressed that I don't have a boyfriend, and here was this guy that totally ready to love me. Yeah he moved too fast, but if I had given him a second chance would it have worked? Or was it all me? My deep fear of relationships and letting a guy see the real me. I don't even know why I have this fear. I'm so scared of their past. Of finding out stuff I don't want to know.... I guess most of it is I'm afraid of not living up to their expectations. Of my being so inexperienced and all. I'm scared of how they'll deal with that.

Writing all of this has made me realise what I'm really scared of. I'm scared of being taken advantage of. That's the root of all these fears. I know you have to take a risk to find happiness, but I'm so scared of being taken advantage of that I don't seem to be able to take that risk. I guess I'd rather be unhappy.

I have no idea what to do. I just feel so lost and alone.

Painful

I have the worst headache today. Nothing helps it. I've never had one that's felt like this. It's like I have a rubber band around my entire head. That constant pressure won't go away. OW.

I'm excited about tomorrow though. Courtney, Monica, and I, plus this cute guy from my spanish class are going to play some soccer. I really like this guy. He's really nice. He's Latino, and I've discovered that Latino guys are my "type". I'm just REALLY attracted to Latinos. Anyway, I don't know if he "likes" me. We've exchanged numbers and all, and we text on and off. But I get to this certain point and I turn off. I just don't want to get to know them more. I think it's cause I'm scared of what I'll discover. I'm scared of getting attached, and that I'll get hurt again. So yeah. I'm just determined to just let things be. If something happens, it happens. If it doesn't, oh well.

I think I'm now going to lay down or something. Cause this pain just isn't flying with me.

Why Do Things Change?

So yesterday I found out that they are closing the Starbucks I work at. They're aiming for June 1st. I'm shocked. Floored. Still hoping in vain that it isn't true. But it is. And there is nothing I can do about it.

I know it was just a job. But for me it wasn't. I owe the life I have right now to that store and all the people in it. I made my best friends there. It was because of Starbucks that I had my first kiss. All the people there helped me come out of my shell. I was a super introverted person. But I'm not anymore. I have confidence in myself now. I can't believe that soon that building will just be an empty shell. That I'll drive by it everyday, reminded everyday of all the great memories, the great times I had there. I don't want it to end. But I know everything has to end eventually. But I wasn't ready for it to end this soon.

I'm going to miss our customers SO much. They're all so special to me. What are they going to do now?

What am I going to do now? It's so hard to find a job. I'm probably going to have to work at McDonald's or something like that. I've always tried to be positive about change. But the truth is I'm scared of change. Of change I don't want. I'm going to have to get used to a whole new routine. Get used to a new schedule, get used to new people, everything. I'm so freaking scared. I loved this job. SO MUCH.

Now what am I going to do?

Recap.

Lots has been happening in life. Work, School, Family, Horses, Friends. It's crazy. But fun. That doesn't mean there aren't the bad days where I feel like I suck at life. But the good days make up for most of the bad.

Here is a little long recap since I've been gone so long.

If you look back through all my old posts, you would see some about Marcos. That was a big ordeal. But I can honestly say now that I'm over him. I REALLY am. It's such a relief. He will always be a part of my memories because I had my first kiss with him, and you can't really push the memory of your first kiss out of your head.

I'm falling for another guy. Yeah. WHY GOD!?! Another Latino. I like 'em dark. What can I say??? Heehee. Just a couple of problems. I don't know whether he's taken, or if he even likes me. He's in my spanish class, which Is tonight.... so I plan on asking him if he's dating anyone..... I'm so bad at this. But I'll let you know how it goes.

Work is the same. Stressful, full of unneeded drama. I swear I'm not making enough money to make up for all the crap I go through. But it's a job. So I'm sticking with it. There isn't much else out there anyway.

April, Courtney, and I are still close as ever. They're the best friends ever. Seriously.

So yeah. I will post more often.

I always do this!!!

I promise to start writing more, and I end up not. I always do that. So lets try something different this time, ok? I promise not to write more. In fact, I'm not going to write at all! (reverse psychology) We'll see if this works. Lol.

Life is ok at the moment. I'm kinda going out with a guy. He is nice. That's all I can say about him. I mean he's a really sweet guy, but there's no "spark". Not like there was with Marcos. I keep comparing how this relationship is going to the way it was with Marcos. But I know I shouldn't. Because what I thought Marcos and I "had" wasn't real. Mark, the latest guy, held my hand, put his arm around my shoulders, and kissed me on the first date. Is that too fast? Marcos never did that. Isn't the first date supossed to see if your interested in the guy? If he's someone you'd want to go out with more? With the new guy, It felt like something like a couple who'd known eachother awhile would do. Not two people on a first date.

I don't know what to do. I'm not sure I want to go out with Mark. But I'm so bad at telling guys I'm not interested. Sigh. I'm so confused.

Horoscopes are....

stupid most of the time. I like to read them just to make fun. But today I read one and it blew me away. How true it was I mean. Here it is:

Aries:
Too much time has passed for you to be harboring this grudge. No matter what your feelings are you can't keep dwelling on what's over and done with. Let it go and use the experience to strengthen yourself.

Yeah. It's actually really true. I was just like, wow.

Life goes on...

I haven't posted in forever. Life goes on, eat, sleep, work. You know the routine. Plus recently most of the posts on this have been SUPER depressing, so I've been staying away. But I'm back now, still slightly depressed, but doing better.

And I'm going to try to post more, I promise.

New Year. Hopefully, New Beginnings.

The holidays are pretty much over. Now I'm facing a new year. A new year which I hope will bring new beginnings, new adventures, and less stress. Definitely less stress would be nice.

2008 has been a good year.

I've made new friends. I seriously don't know what I'd do without April and Courtney. They are both amazing friends.

I had my first kiss, and fell in love for the first time. They were both wonderful experiences, and even though it didn't turn out the way I would've liked, I wouldn't change any of it for the world.

But even though the year has been pretty good, I'm feeling down. I want next year to be better.
I don't want to stress. I'll be 19 in April. I want to have fun. I want to live my life to the fullest. But I just don't know how. I need someone to show me. I need someone to take my hand, to take me into the fast lane, to show me there is more than work, school, and stress. Cause I'll have plenty of that when I'm older. I want someone to love me for exactly who I am, who will help me through my freakout moments. Who isn't afraid to look stupid. Someone who doesn't constantly worry about what people might be thinking about them all the freaking time, I want someone to teach me how. Someone. Someone out there. I don't know where he is. But I hope he finds me soon. Because you have no idea how bad I need him. I can pretend to be whole, but right now I feel as though a part of me is missing.

So yeah. That's what I'm hoping will happen next year. But I know it's not going to happen. I'm just going to stress about work, school, money, and all the little things. I'm alone, I have no one to show me those things.

Life goes on. And no one stops to think about one insignificant, sad, lonely girl.

Outer Space.

Alone in the moon light, heading for nowhere. Gone is the solar glare, don't follow me here tonight.

Needing to find my place. Something just feels wrong. Knowing I don't belong. Escaping to outer space.

Unafraid. Every mile you fade. There are no delays. I won't look back. I won't look back. Runaway, flyaway, runaway, far away.

It's all so quiet here, caught in the milky way, bound by the cosmic ray, I could just disappear.

Time will slow, no more earth below, another day to go. I won't look back, I won't look back. Runaway, flyaway, runaway, far away.

Alone in the moonlight. Heading for nowhere. Gone is the solar glare, Don't follow me here tonight. Don't follow me here tonight.

Time to move on.

It's been a month since Marcos last talked to me. I need to move on. I thought I was, but I realized some things were holding me back. I hadn't deleted any of the text messages he sent me. I didn't read them, cause it hurt to much, but I didn't want to delete them either. I also didn't want to delete him from my contacts. So today I deleted all his old text messages. It was hard. I read a few of them. It was hard deleting the one where he stated he was glad he found a girl like me. I'll admit I teared up. But I feel better now that all those old messages are gone. I also removed him from my contacts. It was about time.

Life kinda sucks right now. I'm pretty sure I blew my math final. Yay. And I don't have any money to pay for the classes I need to take next semester. I learned that Starbucks reimburses your tuition, so I thought that would help, but it's only if you've been there a year. I have two more months till then.

I'm so bad at saving money, which I really need to do. I need to save up for a car, I need to save up for my trip to London next year. At this rate though the reality is that the trip won't happen. I need to buy christmas presents, my horses need their hooves taken care of, etc. It just doesn't end!!!!

I don't remember what fun feels like.

Hard Day.

This woman Brenda usually comes into work everyday. She hasn't in a while, I'm not sure if it's because of Marcos or not. They are family friends and he crashes at her house if he gets off work late. But since he's stopped talking to me, she hasn't come in. But she did today. I thought It wouldn't phase me if she did come in, but I thought wrong. I thought I was over this guy, but seeing her, it just made me think of him. I'd been doing so well!! I've decided what I wanted to do with my life, I set goals, and I thought I was over him!!!

I didn't really talk to her, I don't know if it was my imagination or what, but I think she was avoiding me. I started shaking when I saw her walk in the store, I was nervous for some reason. Am I worried about what she'll tell him? Does he wonder about me like I wonder about him? What hurt the worst was that I couldn't stop thinking that she had probably seen him that morning. I was so envious. And sad that she gets to see him, and I don't.

Sigh. It's been a hard day. I hate sitting around and moping, thinking of him when he probably isn't doing the same. He's off living his life, probably dating some beautiful bitch. What did I do wrong? I keep thinking back, wondering what I could have done different. I would have opened up, wouldn't have been so shy, should have just been myself. But I didn't. But I don't know whether that would have changed anything anyway.

Damn. I just need to stop thinking about it. Nothing is going to change. Life is back to normal. I knew it was too good to last. I knew somebody like that wouldn't stay with a girl like me. I thought he was my Edward. Ha.

I was so wrong.

Thankful

I have so much to be thankful for. And it's good to remind myself of all I have to be thankful for. Maybe my life isn't quite how I'd like it right now, but I'm so lucky for what I DO have. Here is what I'm thankful for:

My awesome family:

• Mom. You aren't afraid to laugh and have fun. Thanks for being there for me.

• Dad. Thanks for always supporting my love for horses. You are amazing.

• Joshua. I'm lucky to have a brother like you.

• Bethany. Even though we fight like cats and dogs sometimes, you are my sister and I'll love you no matter what. Thanks for being your crazy, beautiful self!!!

My friends:

• April. I am SO thankful for you. You've made Fallon more livable for me. You are always there me, and I am so glad we are friends. I'm so happy that you are finally happy and with an awesome guy!! I love ya!
• Courtney. Your enthusiasm for life is inspiring. I wish I could be as crazy as you! I'm so happy I know you!!
• Emily. Though I rarely get to see you anymore, you were my first best friend and I'm so thankful for you!
  

Misc.

• My horses. They are what help keep me sane. I love them to death. I wish I had more time to spend with them.
• My pooch. She is hair brained and crazy. I love her so much!
• My job. Even though it can be stressful, it's the best job I've had. I get to make people's day. Just with coffee! How awesome is that?
• Marcos. You gave me my first kiss. And it was the most awesome first kiss. As much as I'm still not over you, and mad at you for what you did, I am glad I met you. You have taught me a lot.
  

Trying to put it in the past

Why can't I get him out of my head? It's been two week since I've heard from him. I don't expect to hear from him. But I can't get him out of my head. I'm always thinking about him. Stuff we did, things he said. He's a part of who I am now. These experiences are a part of me. Changing who I am. But why am I still obsessing over him? I want him out of my head!!! I thought it was because he was the first guy I kissed and I got overly attached, wanting him to be the one, that I blew things out of proportion. But now I'm not sure.

I'm trying to put it in the past, hold on to myself, and don't look back.

But it's not working.

I need some closure.

I need closure. Things haven't been going so well. I don't know why he's stopped talking to me. I haven't heard from him for a week. I just don't understand why he can't at least communicate. If he's not into me, why couldn't he have just said so? I would still be hurt, but at least I would know! But he just stopped talking. I think that's why I'm having so much trouble getting over this guy. I really liked him. I thought he liked me. All those things he said. Lies I guess. The least he could do is just text me. If he's not into me fine. But no. I guess he's not even man enough for that. What a jerk!!! And yet I'm still crying over this guy. I hate him. I drove by his work today to see if I could see him and there he was, standing at the register, ringing up customers. I started to cry. I want to stop obsessing so much. I need some closure. I just don't understand. I'm fed up with guys. They're all bastards. I'm gonna stay by myself. I don't anyone. NO ONE. All they do is tear up your heart. And mine was so fragile..... I was so naive. I'm not going to let anyone in. I let him into my heart and look what happened.

I'm done. So, so done with this.