New Year. Hopefully, New Beginnings.

The holidays are pretty much over. Now I'm facing a new year. A new year which I hope will bring new beginnings, new adventures, and less stress. Definitely less stress would be nice.

2008 has been a good year.

I've made new friends. I seriously don't know what I'd do without April and Courtney. They are both amazing friends.

I had my first kiss, and fell in love for the first time. They were both wonderful experiences, and even though it didn't turn out the way I would've liked, I wouldn't change any of it for the world.

But even though the year has been pretty good, I'm feeling down. I want next year to be better.
I don't want to stress. I'll be 19 in April. I want to have fun. I want to live my life to the fullest. But I just don't know how. I need someone to show me. I need someone to take my hand, to take me into the fast lane, to show me there is more than work, school, and stress. Cause I'll have plenty of that when I'm older. I want someone to love me for exactly who I am, who will help me through my freakout moments. Who isn't afraid to look stupid. Someone who doesn't constantly worry about what people might be thinking about them all the freaking time, I want someone to teach me how. Someone. Someone out there. I don't know where he is. But I hope he finds me soon. Because you have no idea how bad I need him. I can pretend to be whole, but right now I feel as though a part of me is missing.

So yeah. That's what I'm hoping will happen next year. But I know it's not going to happen. I'm just going to stress about work, school, money, and all the little things. I'm alone, I have no one to show me those things.

Life goes on. And no one stops to think about one insignificant, sad, lonely girl.

Outer Space.

Alone in the moon light, heading for nowhere. Gone is the solar glare, don't follow me here tonight.

Needing to find my place. Something just feels wrong. Knowing I don't belong. Escaping to outer space.

Unafraid. Every mile you fade. There are no delays. I won't look back. I won't look back. Runaway, flyaway, runaway, far away.

It's all so quiet here, caught in the milky way, bound by the cosmic ray, I could just disappear.

Time will slow, no more earth below, another day to go. I won't look back, I won't look back. Runaway, flyaway, runaway, far away.

Alone in the moonlight. Heading for nowhere. Gone is the solar glare, Don't follow me here tonight. Don't follow me here tonight.

Time to move on.

It's been a month since Marcos last talked to me. I need to move on. I thought I was, but I realized some things were holding me back. I hadn't deleted any of the text messages he sent me. I didn't read them, cause it hurt to much, but I didn't want to delete them either. I also didn't want to delete him from my contacts. So today I deleted all his old text messages. It was hard. I read a few of them. It was hard deleting the one where he stated he was glad he found a girl like me. I'll admit I teared up. But I feel better now that all those old messages are gone. I also removed him from my contacts. It was about time.

Life kinda sucks right now. I'm pretty sure I blew my math final. Yay. And I don't have any money to pay for the classes I need to take next semester. I learned that Starbucks reimburses your tuition, so I thought that would help, but it's only if you've been there a year. I have two more months till then.

I'm so bad at saving money, which I really need to do. I need to save up for a car, I need to save up for my trip to London next year. At this rate though the reality is that the trip won't happen. I need to buy christmas presents, my horses need their hooves taken care of, etc. It just doesn't end!!!!

I don't remember what fun feels like.

Hard Day.

This woman Brenda usually comes into work everyday. She hasn't in a while, I'm not sure if it's because of Marcos or not. They are family friends and he crashes at her house if he gets off work late. But since he's stopped talking to me, she hasn't come in. But she did today. I thought It wouldn't phase me if she did come in, but I thought wrong. I thought I was over this guy, but seeing her, it just made me think of him. I'd been doing so well!! I've decided what I wanted to do with my life, I set goals, and I thought I was over him!!!

I didn't really talk to her, I don't know if it was my imagination or what, but I think she was avoiding me. I started shaking when I saw her walk in the store, I was nervous for some reason. Am I worried about what she'll tell him? Does he wonder about me like I wonder about him? What hurt the worst was that I couldn't stop thinking that she had probably seen him that morning. I was so envious. And sad that she gets to see him, and I don't.

Sigh. It's been a hard day. I hate sitting around and moping, thinking of him when he probably isn't doing the same. He's off living his life, probably dating some beautiful bitch. What did I do wrong? I keep thinking back, wondering what I could have done different. I would have opened up, wouldn't have been so shy, should have just been myself. But I didn't. But I don't know whether that would have changed anything anyway.

Damn. I just need to stop thinking about it. Nothing is going to change. Life is back to normal. I knew it was too good to last. I knew somebody like that wouldn't stay with a girl like me. I thought he was my Edward. Ha.

I was so wrong.