Random things

The last two days I've felt like crap. I wake up with this terrible headache and a stuffy nose. The stuffiness goes away, but the headache won't go away. Even after taking aspirin. I'm getting pretty tired of it.

Last night Courtney, April, David, and I went to La Fiesta. All week the staff has to wear costumes for Halloween, and I just had to go and see Marcos in his costume. He's been going as Cesar. April thought he was supposed to be Jesus. It was pretty funny. Near the end of the meal he sent over a bowl of ice cream for us on the house. What a sweetie. It was so much fun hanging with everybody. We haven't all hung out like that in a long time. We need to do it more often.

Other than that it has been an uneventful week. I've had the last two days off, now it's off to work for the rest of the week. UGH.

Surrounded by people, yet all alone.

Ever feel like this? It sucks. It really does. I hate this feeling. Everyone is finding life, happiness. Everyone has a reason. And yet here I am. Alone. Utterly alone. With no one. Surrounded by people moving on. Watching life pass me by. I'm sick of this. But I don't know how to change it. I need someone to show me life, love. Someone to love me for me. To get me through these freak out moments. But so far no has taken the time. I don't think that person is in Fallon. I know he's out there somewhere, someday I'll find him. Till then I'll get by with myself.

Confusion

Why do I feel like this? I am I so upset? I'm tired of being confused all the time. I just want to know where we stand. If it's over, it's over. I'll deal with it. I don't want to waste his time, but I don't want to waste my time either. Why do I care so much? One minute it seems fine and the next minute it's down the drain. I go from a high to a low. And it's taking its toll on me. I don't know how these things work. I've never felt this way for someone and I don't know what to do. How do relationships work? I've never dated anyone before. But I don't even think we're dating. I'm so confused. Nobody can tell me what to do, I have to figure it out for myself. But I'm so tired. So so very tired. Tired of everything. I just want to be with him. I want to feel his hug, the taste of his lips. I'm too attached. I'm scared of getting hurt.

Better

Things are better. I still feel the need to get away from Fallon, go on a road trip, go to the ocean, see L.A. again. That's what I really want to do. But it's not going to happen anytime soon, so I guess I should just accept the fact that I'm stuck here for a while. But I've got things to look forward to this weekend, so that's good. Other then that I'm just surviving. Same old routine at work. Make latte after latte, mocha after mocha. Same old crap. A vacation sounds perfect. But I really have to get used to the fact that it isn't going to happen. So I'll just survive some more.

I need to find myself.....

I need to see that there's more to life than this trivial shit. I'm suffocating. I need to get out of Fallon. But I can't, and it's making me crazy. I need to see the ocean. I need it to make me see how insignificant my problems are. I need to see that there is life out there. I feel so burned out. Emotionally drained. I'm done with this shit. I just need to get away.

I need to find my center.

First kiss...

I just had my first kiss. My first kiss. My heart is just now slowing down. I still smile thinking about it. Oh my god. I'm still in shock. You have no idea how I'm feeling right now. This is unlike anything I've ever felt before. Words can't express........

You electrify my life.....

Yeah. That about sums it up right now. I'm so excited about what's happening between us, you have no idea. The possibility's are endless. We could go anywhere from here.

I've been trying to remember what my life was like before you entered it, and I realize how mostly dull it was. You really do electrify my life. And no matter what happens between us in the future, I will always be forever grateful for having you in my life.

So good and so bad

Life can be so good and so bad at the same time.

Good:
I'm falling for a wonderful guy. He's made my life exciting. Gives me something to look forward to.

Bad: I'm so stressed and busy with school right now that it's cutting into the time that I could be spending, thinking, and laughing with him.

I'm SERIOUSLY THROUGH with school. I know it's partly my fault for putting off my homework, but still. I'm so burned out. I need to get away. I had a test in math today that I though I would do ok on. I totally sucked at it. I could do the problems at home, but on the actual test? No. So it was close to the end of the class. You can stay as long as you want to finish the test, but I HAD to leave by the actual end of class. And I still had two whole pages of stupid hard questions. So I faked being sick. Yeah. I NEVER do stuff like that. But I swear, I didn't know what else to do. I said I wasn't feeling well and asked if I could finish the test next class. He said yes, so I left.

I'm SO tired. Mentally and physically. The only time I feel alive is when I'm with Marcos, April or Courtney. I don't feel like I have time for them. It's killing me. I don't even have time for my horses. I love my horses, and I feel like i'm neglecting them. Poor things.
I feel like I'm failing at everything. This was just supposed to be a short post, but everything has just spilled out. I just need to get it all out. I'm seriously trying not to cry. I just need to get away from everything. I want to feel something other then stress.

Other then him, my life is pretty dismal right now.

Weird.

Do you ever have those days where you feel like crying, but you don't know why? I'm having one of those days. Work was hard. I don't think I was entirely there. I couldn't do anything right. And a lot of the customers were being less than "nice". I just wanted to punch someone and then burst in to tears. Weird.

I've been going through so many really weird emotions. It all started when he left. Which annoys the heck out of me. Why I am I missing this guy so much? I still barely know him. How dare he make me feel so out of sorts!! What is it about him? I seriously hate feeling so dependent on this guy? Why do I feel so dependent on him? Maybe cause he's made my life so exciting. Made me feel somewhat worth something. But I don't even know if he's into me that much. So I don't want to get to attached to him. Cause what if it doesn't work out? If I feel this down when he's out of town, how am I gonna feel if it doesn't work?

I'm SO CONFUSED! I've got so many thoughts swirling around my head I feel dizzy.

I'm going to try not to worry about it so much.

Drivers License!!!

Just got my drivers license! I'm SO happy. I won't have to depend on my parents so much now, which is awesome. I'm trying not to depend on my parents so much.

Now I need my own car. I want a sexy car. The car I want is the Mazda rx8. Totally awesome. I can't afford a brand new one, but If I save up for a bit I might be able to buy a used one. Here are some pictures of my dream car:

http://images.myride.com/images/vehicle/2008/Mazda/RX-8/oem/08_Mazda_RX_8_12_(768x576).jpg

http://www.tuningnews.net/wallpaper/1024x768/mazda-rx-8-2009-01.jpg

http://ucarmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/2009-mazda-rx8-australia-11.jpg

Yeah. Probably won't happen, but you never know! I can dream.

Is he or isn't he....

How do you know when you are "dating" someone? How do you know if he's your boyfriend or not? I'm so new to all this. I have no idea. Is it after the first kiss? (which hasn't happened yet) We've only been on one date, though we already have plans for another.

I don't know these things! UGH!

I'm not going to worry about it. What ever happens, happens! I'm just going to go with the flow.