Bring you down. Hard.

It's funny how you can be sad and happy at the same time. Things make you happy, things make you sad. It never seems to be one or the other. I'm learning to deal with this. But I want to learn to be happy with what I have more then I am at the moment. There is always something to bring you down. Hard. Things that shouldn't really bring you down. The small things. They're the worst.

Trying too hard not to care.

I'm done with this. I try. I try too hard. I care too much. I tell myself that it doesn't matter. If it happens it happens. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. But once again I find myself upset. Why do you ask? He says we should think longer about this. Why do I find myself sad? After all, I would probably push him away later if we did decide to take that leap.

Like I said when it gets to certain point I just turn off. But I want to fall for someone who doesn't allow me to do that. Who forces me to take a good look at myself. Who doesn't allow me to push him away. Someone who will help make me a better person. But all they do is mess me up farther. To the point where I don't know who or what I am.

And as usual I feel alone.

Confused

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. And I feel like If I don't decide soon, I'll just waste my life away.

And I'm so scared of relationships. I guess what brought most of this on was seeing a guy I went on a couple of dates while I was at wal-mart. He looked lonely and sad. And it made me wonder if I should have given him a second chance. Here I am sometimes really depressed that I don't have a boyfriend, and here was this guy that totally ready to love me. Yeah he moved too fast, but if I had given him a second chance would it have worked? Or was it all me? My deep fear of relationships and letting a guy see the real me. I don't even know why I have this fear. I'm so scared of their past. Of finding out stuff I don't want to know.... I guess most of it is I'm afraid of not living up to their expectations. Of my being so inexperienced and all. I'm scared of how they'll deal with that.

Writing all of this has made me realise what I'm really scared of. I'm scared of being taken advantage of. That's the root of all these fears. I know you have to take a risk to find happiness, but I'm so scared of being taken advantage of that I don't seem to be able to take that risk. I guess I'd rather be unhappy.

I have no idea what to do. I just feel so lost and alone.

Painful

I have the worst headache today. Nothing helps it. I've never had one that's felt like this. It's like I have a rubber band around my entire head. That constant pressure won't go away. OW.

I'm excited about tomorrow though. Courtney, Monica, and I, plus this cute guy from my spanish class are going to play some soccer. I really like this guy. He's really nice. He's Latino, and I've discovered that Latino guys are my "type". I'm just REALLY attracted to Latinos. Anyway, I don't know if he "likes" me. We've exchanged numbers and all, and we text on and off. But I get to this certain point and I turn off. I just don't want to get to know them more. I think it's cause I'm scared of what I'll discover. I'm scared of getting attached, and that I'll get hurt again. So yeah. I'm just determined to just let things be. If something happens, it happens. If it doesn't, oh well.

I think I'm now going to lay down or something. Cause this pain just isn't flying with me.

Why Do Things Change?

So yesterday I found out that they are closing the Starbucks I work at. They're aiming for June 1st. I'm shocked. Floored. Still hoping in vain that it isn't true. But it is. And there is nothing I can do about it.

I know it was just a job. But for me it wasn't. I owe the life I have right now to that store and all the people in it. I made my best friends there. It was because of Starbucks that I had my first kiss. All the people there helped me come out of my shell. I was a super introverted person. But I'm not anymore. I have confidence in myself now. I can't believe that soon that building will just be an empty shell. That I'll drive by it everyday, reminded everyday of all the great memories, the great times I had there. I don't want it to end. But I know everything has to end eventually. But I wasn't ready for it to end this soon.

I'm going to miss our customers SO much. They're all so special to me. What are they going to do now?

What am I going to do now? It's so hard to find a job. I'm probably going to have to work at McDonald's or something like that. I've always tried to be positive about change. But the truth is I'm scared of change. Of change I don't want. I'm going to have to get used to a whole new routine. Get used to a new schedule, get used to new people, everything. I'm so freaking scared. I loved this job. SO MUCH.

Now what am I going to do?

Recap.

Lots has been happening in life. Work, School, Family, Horses, Friends. It's crazy. But fun. That doesn't mean there aren't the bad days where I feel like I suck at life. But the good days make up for most of the bad.

Here is a little long recap since I've been gone so long.

If you look back through all my old posts, you would see some about Marcos. That was a big ordeal. But I can honestly say now that I'm over him. I REALLY am. It's such a relief. He will always be a part of my memories because I had my first kiss with him, and you can't really push the memory of your first kiss out of your head.

I'm falling for another guy. Yeah. WHY GOD!?! Another Latino. I like 'em dark. What can I say??? Heehee. Just a couple of problems. I don't know whether he's taken, or if he even likes me. He's in my spanish class, which Is tonight.... so I plan on asking him if he's dating anyone..... I'm so bad at this. But I'll let you know how it goes.

Work is the same. Stressful, full of unneeded drama. I swear I'm not making enough money to make up for all the crap I go through. But it's a job. So I'm sticking with it. There isn't much else out there anyway.

April, Courtney, and I are still close as ever. They're the best friends ever. Seriously.

So yeah. I will post more often.

I always do this!!!

I promise to start writing more, and I end up not. I always do that. So lets try something different this time, ok? I promise not to write more. In fact, I'm not going to write at all! (reverse psychology) We'll see if this works. Lol.

Life is ok at the moment. I'm kinda going out with a guy. He is nice. That's all I can say about him. I mean he's a really sweet guy, but there's no "spark". Not like there was with Marcos. I keep comparing how this relationship is going to the way it was with Marcos. But I know I shouldn't. Because what I thought Marcos and I "had" wasn't real. Mark, the latest guy, held my hand, put his arm around my shoulders, and kissed me on the first date. Is that too fast? Marcos never did that. Isn't the first date supossed to see if your interested in the guy? If he's someone you'd want to go out with more? With the new guy, It felt like something like a couple who'd known eachother awhile would do. Not two people on a first date.

I don't know what to do. I'm not sure I want to go out with Mark. But I'm so bad at telling guys I'm not interested. Sigh. I'm so confused.

Horoscopes are....

stupid most of the time. I like to read them just to make fun. But today I read one and it blew me away. How true it was I mean. Here it is:

Aries:
Too much time has passed for you to be harboring this grudge. No matter what your feelings are you can't keep dwelling on what's over and done with. Let it go and use the experience to strengthen yourself.

Yeah. It's actually really true. I was just like, wow.

Life goes on...

I haven't posted in forever. Life goes on, eat, sleep, work. You know the routine. Plus recently most of the posts on this have been SUPER depressing, so I've been staying away. But I'm back now, still slightly depressed, but doing better.

And I'm going to try to post more, I promise.