New Year. Hopefully, New Beginnings.

The holidays are pretty much over. Now I'm facing a new year. A new year which I hope will bring new beginnings, new adventures, and less stress. Definitely less stress would be nice.

2008 has been a good year.

I've made new friends. I seriously don't know what I'd do without April and Courtney. They are both amazing friends.

I had my first kiss, and fell in love for the first time. They were both wonderful experiences, and even though it didn't turn out the way I would've liked, I wouldn't change any of it for the world.

But even though the year has been pretty good, I'm feeling down. I want next year to be better.
I don't want to stress. I'll be 19 in April. I want to have fun. I want to live my life to the fullest. But I just don't know how. I need someone to show me. I need someone to take my hand, to take me into the fast lane, to show me there is more than work, school, and stress. Cause I'll have plenty of that when I'm older. I want someone to love me for exactly who I am, who will help me through my freakout moments. Who isn't afraid to look stupid. Someone who doesn't constantly worry about what people might be thinking about them all the freaking time, I want someone to teach me how. Someone. Someone out there. I don't know where he is. But I hope he finds me soon. Because you have no idea how bad I need him. I can pretend to be whole, but right now I feel as though a part of me is missing.

So yeah. That's what I'm hoping will happen next year. But I know it's not going to happen. I'm just going to stress about work, school, money, and all the little things. I'm alone, I have no one to show me those things.

Life goes on. And no one stops to think about one insignificant, sad, lonely girl.

Outer Space.

Alone in the moon light, heading for nowhere. Gone is the solar glare, don't follow me here tonight.

Needing to find my place. Something just feels wrong. Knowing I don't belong. Escaping to outer space.

Unafraid. Every mile you fade. There are no delays. I won't look back. I won't look back. Runaway, flyaway, runaway, far away.

It's all so quiet here, caught in the milky way, bound by the cosmic ray, I could just disappear.

Time will slow, no more earth below, another day to go. I won't look back, I won't look back. Runaway, flyaway, runaway, far away.

Alone in the moonlight. Heading for nowhere. Gone is the solar glare, Don't follow me here tonight. Don't follow me here tonight.

Time to move on.

It's been a month since Marcos last talked to me. I need to move on. I thought I was, but I realized some things were holding me back. I hadn't deleted any of the text messages he sent me. I didn't read them, cause it hurt to much, but I didn't want to delete them either. I also didn't want to delete him from my contacts. So today I deleted all his old text messages. It was hard. I read a few of them. It was hard deleting the one where he stated he was glad he found a girl like me. I'll admit I teared up. But I feel better now that all those old messages are gone. I also removed him from my contacts. It was about time.

Life kinda sucks right now. I'm pretty sure I blew my math final. Yay. And I don't have any money to pay for the classes I need to take next semester. I learned that Starbucks reimburses your tuition, so I thought that would help, but it's only if you've been there a year. I have two more months till then.

I'm so bad at saving money, which I really need to do. I need to save up for a car, I need to save up for my trip to London next year. At this rate though the reality is that the trip won't happen. I need to buy christmas presents, my horses need their hooves taken care of, etc. It just doesn't end!!!!

I don't remember what fun feels like.

Hard Day.

This woman Brenda usually comes into work everyday. She hasn't in a while, I'm not sure if it's because of Marcos or not. They are family friends and he crashes at her house if he gets off work late. But since he's stopped talking to me, she hasn't come in. But she did today. I thought It wouldn't phase me if she did come in, but I thought wrong. I thought I was over this guy, but seeing her, it just made me think of him. I'd been doing so well!! I've decided what I wanted to do with my life, I set goals, and I thought I was over him!!!

I didn't really talk to her, I don't know if it was my imagination or what, but I think she was avoiding me. I started shaking when I saw her walk in the store, I was nervous for some reason. Am I worried about what she'll tell him? Does he wonder about me like I wonder about him? What hurt the worst was that I couldn't stop thinking that she had probably seen him that morning. I was so envious. And sad that she gets to see him, and I don't.

Sigh. It's been a hard day. I hate sitting around and moping, thinking of him when he probably isn't doing the same. He's off living his life, probably dating some beautiful bitch. What did I do wrong? I keep thinking back, wondering what I could have done different. I would have opened up, wouldn't have been so shy, should have just been myself. But I didn't. But I don't know whether that would have changed anything anyway.

Damn. I just need to stop thinking about it. Nothing is going to change. Life is back to normal. I knew it was too good to last. I knew somebody like that wouldn't stay with a girl like me. I thought he was my Edward. Ha.

I was so wrong.

Thankful

I have so much to be thankful for. And it's good to remind myself of all I have to be thankful for. Maybe my life isn't quite how I'd like it right now, but I'm so lucky for what I DO have. Here is what I'm thankful for:

My awesome family:

• Mom. You aren't afraid to laugh and have fun. Thanks for being there for me.

• Dad. Thanks for always supporting my love for horses. You are amazing.

• Joshua. I'm lucky to have a brother like you.

• Bethany. Even though we fight like cats and dogs sometimes, you are my sister and I'll love you no matter what. Thanks for being your crazy, beautiful self!!!

My friends:

• April. I am SO thankful for you. You've made Fallon more livable for me. You are always there me, and I am so glad we are friends. I'm so happy that you are finally happy and with an awesome guy!! I love ya!
• Courtney. Your enthusiasm for life is inspiring. I wish I could be as crazy as you! I'm so happy I know you!!
• Emily. Though I rarely get to see you anymore, you were my first best friend and I'm so thankful for you!
  

Misc.

• My horses. They are what help keep me sane. I love them to death. I wish I had more time to spend with them.
• My pooch. She is hair brained and crazy. I love her so much!
• My job. Even though it can be stressful, it's the best job I've had. I get to make people's day. Just with coffee! How awesome is that?
• Marcos. You gave me my first kiss. And it was the most awesome first kiss. As much as I'm still not over you, and mad at you for what you did, I am glad I met you. You have taught me a lot.
  

Trying to put it in the past

Why can't I get him out of my head? It's been two week since I've heard from him. I don't expect to hear from him. But I can't get him out of my head. I'm always thinking about him. Stuff we did, things he said. He's a part of who I am now. These experiences are a part of me. Changing who I am. But why am I still obsessing over him? I want him out of my head!!! I thought it was because he was the first guy I kissed and I got overly attached, wanting him to be the one, that I blew things out of proportion. But now I'm not sure.

I'm trying to put it in the past, hold on to myself, and don't look back.

But it's not working.

I need some closure.

I need closure. Things haven't been going so well. I don't know why he's stopped talking to me. I haven't heard from him for a week. I just don't understand why he can't at least communicate. If he's not into me, why couldn't he have just said so? I would still be hurt, but at least I would know! But he just stopped talking. I think that's why I'm having so much trouble getting over this guy. I really liked him. I thought he liked me. All those things he said. Lies I guess. The least he could do is just text me. If he's not into me fine. But no. I guess he's not even man enough for that. What a jerk!!! And yet I'm still crying over this guy. I hate him. I drove by his work today to see if I could see him and there he was, standing at the register, ringing up customers. I started to cry. I want to stop obsessing so much. I need some closure. I just don't understand. I'm fed up with guys. They're all bastards. I'm gonna stay by myself. I don't anyone. NO ONE. All they do is tear up your heart. And mine was so fragile..... I was so naive. I'm not going to let anyone in. I let him into my heart and look what happened.

I'm done. So, so done with this.

same old life, same old confusion

Not knowing where we stand. Making latte after latte. Dealing with crabby customer after crappy customer. Dealing with idiotic co-worker after idiotic co-worker. Waking up morning after morning with nothing to look forward to. Going to class after class. Will life always be like this? So mundane? So full of nothingness? I knew this would happen. Something that makes life exciting and worth living can't last forever. It lasts long enough for you to get used to it, then BOOM! It's not the same. And you're stuck with the aftermath of dealing with the life you lived before. Believe me, it totally sucks.

Random things

The last two days I've felt like crap. I wake up with this terrible headache and a stuffy nose. The stuffiness goes away, but the headache won't go away. Even after taking aspirin. I'm getting pretty tired of it.

Last night Courtney, April, David, and I went to La Fiesta. All week the staff has to wear costumes for Halloween, and I just had to go and see Marcos in his costume. He's been going as Cesar. April thought he was supposed to be Jesus. It was pretty funny. Near the end of the meal he sent over a bowl of ice cream for us on the house. What a sweetie. It was so much fun hanging with everybody. We haven't all hung out like that in a long time. We need to do it more often.

Other than that it has been an uneventful week. I've had the last two days off, now it's off to work for the rest of the week. UGH.

Surrounded by people, yet all alone.

Ever feel like this? It sucks. It really does. I hate this feeling. Everyone is finding life, happiness. Everyone has a reason. And yet here I am. Alone. Utterly alone. With no one. Surrounded by people moving on. Watching life pass me by. I'm sick of this. But I don't know how to change it. I need someone to show me life, love. Someone to love me for me. To get me through these freak out moments. But so far no has taken the time. I don't think that person is in Fallon. I know he's out there somewhere, someday I'll find him. Till then I'll get by with myself.

Confusion

Why do I feel like this? I am I so upset? I'm tired of being confused all the time. I just want to know where we stand. If it's over, it's over. I'll deal with it. I don't want to waste his time, but I don't want to waste my time either. Why do I care so much? One minute it seems fine and the next minute it's down the drain. I go from a high to a low. And it's taking its toll on me. I don't know how these things work. I've never felt this way for someone and I don't know what to do. How do relationships work? I've never dated anyone before. But I don't even think we're dating. I'm so confused. Nobody can tell me what to do, I have to figure it out for myself. But I'm so tired. So so very tired. Tired of everything. I just want to be with him. I want to feel his hug, the taste of his lips. I'm too attached. I'm scared of getting hurt.

Better

Things are better. I still feel the need to get away from Fallon, go on a road trip, go to the ocean, see L.A. again. That's what I really want to do. But it's not going to happen anytime soon, so I guess I should just accept the fact that I'm stuck here for a while. But I've got things to look forward to this weekend, so that's good. Other then that I'm just surviving. Same old routine at work. Make latte after latte, mocha after mocha. Same old crap. A vacation sounds perfect. But I really have to get used to the fact that it isn't going to happen. So I'll just survive some more.

I need to find myself.....

I need to see that there's more to life than this trivial shit. I'm suffocating. I need to get out of Fallon. But I can't, and it's making me crazy. I need to see the ocean. I need it to make me see how insignificant my problems are. I need to see that there is life out there. I feel so burned out. Emotionally drained. I'm done with this shit. I just need to get away.

I need to find my center.

First kiss...

I just had my first kiss. My first kiss. My heart is just now slowing down. I still smile thinking about it. Oh my god. I'm still in shock. You have no idea how I'm feeling right now. This is unlike anything I've ever felt before. Words can't express........

You electrify my life.....

Yeah. That about sums it up right now. I'm so excited about what's happening between us, you have no idea. The possibility's are endless. We could go anywhere from here.

I've been trying to remember what my life was like before you entered it, and I realize how mostly dull it was. You really do electrify my life. And no matter what happens between us in the future, I will always be forever grateful for having you in my life.

So good and so bad

Life can be so good and so bad at the same time.

Good:
I'm falling for a wonderful guy. He's made my life exciting. Gives me something to look forward to.

Bad: I'm so stressed and busy with school right now that it's cutting into the time that I could be spending, thinking, and laughing with him.

I'm SERIOUSLY THROUGH with school. I know it's partly my fault for putting off my homework, but still. I'm so burned out. I need to get away. I had a test in math today that I though I would do ok on. I totally sucked at it. I could do the problems at home, but on the actual test? No. So it was close to the end of the class. You can stay as long as you want to finish the test, but I HAD to leave by the actual end of class. And I still had two whole pages of stupid hard questions. So I faked being sick. Yeah. I NEVER do stuff like that. But I swear, I didn't know what else to do. I said I wasn't feeling well and asked if I could finish the test next class. He said yes, so I left.

I'm SO tired. Mentally and physically. The only time I feel alive is when I'm with Marcos, April or Courtney. I don't feel like I have time for them. It's killing me. I don't even have time for my horses. I love my horses, and I feel like i'm neglecting them. Poor things.
I feel like I'm failing at everything. This was just supposed to be a short post, but everything has just spilled out. I just need to get it all out. I'm seriously trying not to cry. I just need to get away from everything. I want to feel something other then stress.

Other then him, my life is pretty dismal right now.

Weird.

Do you ever have those days where you feel like crying, but you don't know why? I'm having one of those days. Work was hard. I don't think I was entirely there. I couldn't do anything right. And a lot of the customers were being less than "nice". I just wanted to punch someone and then burst in to tears. Weird.

I've been going through so many really weird emotions. It all started when he left. Which annoys the heck out of me. Why I am I missing this guy so much? I still barely know him. How dare he make me feel so out of sorts!! What is it about him? I seriously hate feeling so dependent on this guy? Why do I feel so dependent on him? Maybe cause he's made my life so exciting. Made me feel somewhat worth something. But I don't even know if he's into me that much. So I don't want to get to attached to him. Cause what if it doesn't work out? If I feel this down when he's out of town, how am I gonna feel if it doesn't work?

I'm SO CONFUSED! I've got so many thoughts swirling around my head I feel dizzy.

I'm going to try not to worry about it so much.

Drivers License!!!

Just got my drivers license! I'm SO happy. I won't have to depend on my parents so much now, which is awesome. I'm trying not to depend on my parents so much.

Now I need my own car. I want a sexy car. The car I want is the Mazda rx8. Totally awesome. I can't afford a brand new one, but If I save up for a bit I might be able to buy a used one. Here are some pictures of my dream car:

http://images.myride.com/images/vehicle/2008/Mazda/RX-8/oem/08_Mazda_RX_8_12_(768x576).jpg

http://www.tuningnews.net/wallpaper/1024x768/mazda-rx-8-2009-01.jpg

http://ucarmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/2009-mazda-rx8-australia-11.jpg

Yeah. Probably won't happen, but you never know! I can dream.

Is he or isn't he....

How do you know when you are "dating" someone? How do you know if he's your boyfriend or not? I'm so new to all this. I have no idea. Is it after the first kiss? (which hasn't happened yet) We've only been on one date, though we already have plans for another.

I don't know these things! UGH!

I'm not going to worry about it. What ever happens, happens! I'm just going to go with the flow.

No way to explain......

how I'm feeling right now. I'm ten feet off the ground. No, more like on the MOON. This is crazy. This can't be happening to me. ME of all people. But it is. How far will it go? I have no idea, but at the moment I don't care. Feeling like this, is, amazing!

I'm going to shut up again.

Oh my. Oh my.

I can't believe this has happened. Its to good to be true. This stuff doesn't happen to me. My crushes never like me back. Probably nothing will happen. Will it? I pray it does. I pray we are perfect for each other. So far it seems we are so much alike. I'm like ten feet off the ground right now. But what if it doesn't work out? I don't want to think about it.

I'm so TORN. He hasn't even talked to me yet. I'll wait to hear it from his lips. He's just shy like me. I can totally relate.

I'm going to shut up now.

Just keep smiling

It's been a tough week. Work has been crazy, so when I get home I don't feel like doing homework. So my homework is piling up like crazy.

Yesterday I got called in to work three hours early because the shift/store manager was really sick, but couldn't find anyone to cover for her. So she called in another girl and I early. When I mean early, I mean EARLY. She called me at 5:12 in the morning. Yeah. So I rushed to work, I looked like total crap. No shower, no makeup,(just the remnants from the night before.)Hair back in a messy bun. Yeah, not pretty. So it's a totally freaking crazy day of course. Everybody decides to come at the same time, and all of us working were kind of out of it (with good reason) So the rush finally ends. Earlier in the day I was like "please god don't let Marcos come with me looking like crap." And what happens? He comes in. OH MY GOD NO. He totally avoided me. I could tell. I was on bar, and usually he waits at the hand off bar. But since I was there, he went and sat at a table at the far end of the room until I was done with his drinks. He ordered two. A Tall Mocha and a Grande White Mocha. I was shaking SO bad. I couldn't breath. Why does he make me feel like that? Anyway, I finish making his drinks and call them out. He comes over, grabs them and walks out the door. He didn't even LOOK at me. I called after him "Have a nice day". I don't even think he responded. Damn! Why couldn't I say anything more then that? I always clam up when I talk to guys I like.

We really must have scared him with the whole ten dollar tip and phone number thing. The next time I see him I'm going to take him aside and explain everything. Flat out. I believe in doing stuff like that. I HATE miss communication. Now I just have to be brave enough to do that. Wow. That's gonna be hard. But I've got to do it. I really like this guy for some reason beyond me.

That was a long post. Sorry if I totally bored you.



Listening to: Timeless; and Unlike Me by Kate Havnevik

Friends and things....

Just got back from dinner with friends. I love them to death. They are crazy. I love how they influence me to be just as crazy!(This is a good thing)

I can't believe April and Courtney did what they did! So we went out to dinner at a local Mexican restaurant where my crush just so happens to work. And he just so happens to be our waiter. So order, talk, gab, do what girls do. But it was so funny because every time he would walk behind April towards the kitchen, Courtney and I would get silent. April would look around until she saw, then she would get silent. So we finish eating, he gives us our bills, and we try to decide what kind of tip to give him. Courtney bursts out that I should leave my number with the tip. NO WAY. No freaking way. I told them I was going to the bathroom, so they can do what they like. April gets my cell # from her cell, Courtney writes it down along with "The Blond Curly One" or something like that. I didn't see it, so I can't say for sure. We ended up leaving him like a Ten dollar tip! Wow. I've never gotten a tip like that working at starbucks.

He also rang us up at the register. I pay first and rush out the door. Courtney paid next and told him to be sure to go back to the table, cause the tip we left was for him. Then April comes and tells him to be sure to come to starbucks so I can make his drink or something along those lines.

I never would have been able to do that myself. OH MY GOD. They are crazy. I love them to bits. I wonder if he'll actually call me. Probably not. But I don't care cause that was like the funnest night ever!

Thank you April. Thank you Courtney. You guys rock. Lets to that again soon. For sure.

So yeah, I just had to get all that out. Whew.


Listening to: Bliss by Muse.

I don't feel like writing anything, so I'm not going to. Except this:

I hate guys.
I hate the over analyzing that comes with guys.
I hate homework.
I hate math.
I hate feeling like I have no time for myself anymore.

Black holes and Revelations

Not much is new.
Still dealing with drama between people at work, dealing with family, dealing with school. It goes on and on.

Thank god for April. She is a breath of fresh air. Seeing her makes everything bright!! I know she is dealing with all that crap at work as well. I hope you don't let it get you down. You rock.

I've been planning on going to London next year, but was never sure who I was going to go with. So now I'm going with April. I seriously CAN'T wait. I want to get away SO bad. You have no idea.




Listening to: Starlight by Muse

Drama. Oh god.

I hate drama. I avoid drama and confrontation as much as possible. I try to stay distant, but It's so easy to get pulled in. It's sad because I see both sides of the situation, and I can see how the people could fix it with just a little understanding. But it's not like I'm going to go up to the person and tell them how to fix their attitude. I don't want to get in the middle of it. If they can't see how to fix it themselves, too bad.

No crushes came in today at work. Too bad. Oh well. I shall persevere! Lol. Anyway, I'm off to read the last of Breaking Dawn, then I have crap loads of homework to do. It's my own fault for putting it off though.




Listening to: The Shock of the Lightning by Oasis.

La la la....

I'm so tired of people! Why can't they be nice? What is so great about being so freaking rude? Can they think of anything but themselves? Seriously. People in this town piss me off. Gah. I just needed to get that off my chest. People at work were seriously rude today. Customers AND co-workers. Well, just one co-worker in particular. I don't know what to do with her.

At least I'm feeling emotion though. My heart did a get that fluttery feeling I haven't had in a while, so that was good. It wasn't at my crush though. He didn't come it. No, it was at this guy who came in yesterday to work and ordered like 8 drinks. He didn't order quite so many this time. I wasn't expecting to see him, so I saw him and my heart got all fluttery. Nice. I saw another co-working talking to him kind of like they knew each other, so after he left I asked my co-worker if he knew the guy. You want to know what my co-worker said? He said they spent time together in jail. Yeah, JAIL. That squashed the fluttering feeling quick.

Don't know how I feel...

I've been feeling weird lately. Not depressed because I'm actually pretty happy right now, but more like I'm never really excited about anything. Like if I think about my crush, I used to get really fluttery feeling. Now, I don't really feel anything. I don't feel sad, mad, upset or anything. I'm just kind of confused. Music usually gets me feeling better, but even that isn't working.

Maybe it's the benadryl and steroids I've been taking for a allergic reaction I had. I don't know. I just hope I start feeling again soon. Usually my emotions get out of control. So having none kind of feels weird. Hopefully my crush will come into work tomorrow, maybe that will jump start my heart. I haven't seen him in a while. If that doesn't work, I don't know what I'll do.

Sigh. Why do I feel so weird?



Listening to: Starlight by Muse.

Moving on up?

I work at Starbucks. In case you haven't heard of it, (yeah right) it's a coffee shop. A big coffee shop. :) Anyway, I'm a barista there. I make drinks, ring up customers etc. It's a great job. I love it. I enjoy going to work. Well, I don't always like to go to work. But most of the time it's great.

I found out today that I might be promoted to Shift Supervisor. I'm excited, but nervous at the same time. It's a lot more responsibility. I'd be in charge of all the cash handling. That part scares me. But it's a good pay raise. I think I'm ready, and I told the store manager so. She agreed with me!

I've never been really GOOD at something, but when I started working at S'bucks I picked it up really fast. It was so easy! I know I don't want to make coffee the rest of my life, but this is a good opportunity for me. I hope it all works out!

I'm really excited about this, but I didn't want to tell anybody incase it doesn't work out. So keep it a secret! SHHHH!

Starting fresh.

Summer is over. Fall is near. A time for new beginnings, fresh starts. I did have an old blog, but it reflected the old me. The me that has changed. I'm not who I was last winter. So much has happened that it would be impossible not to change. Things have changed for the better.

I've been thinking about change recently, I used to be afraid of it. It was changing too fast for me to handle. Something changes every moment of the day, even if it doesn't affect us personally. Who am I to stop it? I've started to go along with the flow. Sure, my life isn't exactly how I'd like it to be, but it's better then what it was last winter. I'm happy. It's so weird to say that. I'm HAPPY. For once in my life I'm happy to be ME. I don't want to be anybody else.