Painful

I have the worst headache today. Nothing helps it. I've never had one that's felt like this. It's like I have a rubber band around my entire head. That constant pressure won't go away. OW.

I'm excited about tomorrow though. Courtney, Monica, and I, plus this cute guy from my spanish class are going to play some soccer. I really like this guy. He's really nice. He's Latino, and I've discovered that Latino guys are my "type". I'm just REALLY attracted to Latinos. Anyway, I don't know if he "likes" me. We've exchanged numbers and all, and we text on and off. But I get to this certain point and I turn off. I just don't want to get to know them more. I think it's cause I'm scared of what I'll discover. I'm scared of getting attached, and that I'll get hurt again. So yeah. I'm just determined to just let things be. If something happens, it happens. If it doesn't, oh well.

I think I'm now going to lay down or something. Cause this pain just isn't flying with me.

Why Do Things Change?

So yesterday I found out that they are closing the Starbucks I work at. They're aiming for June 1st. I'm shocked. Floored. Still hoping in vain that it isn't true. But it is. And there is nothing I can do about it.

I know it was just a job. But for me it wasn't. I owe the life I have right now to that store and all the people in it. I made my best friends there. It was because of Starbucks that I had my first kiss. All the people there helped me come out of my shell. I was a super introverted person. But I'm not anymore. I have confidence in myself now. I can't believe that soon that building will just be an empty shell. That I'll drive by it everyday, reminded everyday of all the great memories, the great times I had there. I don't want it to end. But I know everything has to end eventually. But I wasn't ready for it to end this soon.

I'm going to miss our customers SO much. They're all so special to me. What are they going to do now?

What am I going to do now? It's so hard to find a job. I'm probably going to have to work at McDonald's or something like that. I've always tried to be positive about change. But the truth is I'm scared of change. Of change I don't want. I'm going to have to get used to a whole new routine. Get used to a new schedule, get used to new people, everything. I'm so freaking scared. I loved this job. SO MUCH.

Now what am I going to do?

Recap.

Lots has been happening in life. Work, School, Family, Horses, Friends. It's crazy. But fun. That doesn't mean there aren't the bad days where I feel like I suck at life. But the good days make up for most of the bad.

Here is a little long recap since I've been gone so long.

If you look back through all my old posts, you would see some about Marcos. That was a big ordeal. But I can honestly say now that I'm over him. I REALLY am. It's such a relief. He will always be a part of my memories because I had my first kiss with him, and you can't really push the memory of your first kiss out of your head.

I'm falling for another guy. Yeah. WHY GOD!?! Another Latino. I like 'em dark. What can I say??? Heehee. Just a couple of problems. I don't know whether he's taken, or if he even likes me. He's in my spanish class, which Is tonight.... so I plan on asking him if he's dating anyone..... I'm so bad at this. But I'll let you know how it goes.

Work is the same. Stressful, full of unneeded drama. I swear I'm not making enough money to make up for all the crap I go through. But it's a job. So I'm sticking with it. There isn't much else out there anyway.

April, Courtney, and I are still close as ever. They're the best friends ever. Seriously.

So yeah. I will post more often.

I always do this!!!

I promise to start writing more, and I end up not. I always do that. So lets try something different this time, ok? I promise not to write more. In fact, I'm not going to write at all! (reverse psychology) We'll see if this works. Lol.

Life is ok at the moment. I'm kinda going out with a guy. He is nice. That's all I can say about him. I mean he's a really sweet guy, but there's no "spark". Not like there was with Marcos. I keep comparing how this relationship is going to the way it was with Marcos. But I know I shouldn't. Because what I thought Marcos and I "had" wasn't real. Mark, the latest guy, held my hand, put his arm around my shoulders, and kissed me on the first date. Is that too fast? Marcos never did that. Isn't the first date supossed to see if your interested in the guy? If he's someone you'd want to go out with more? With the new guy, It felt like something like a couple who'd known eachother awhile would do. Not two people on a first date.

I don't know what to do. I'm not sure I want to go out with Mark. But I'm so bad at telling guys I'm not interested. Sigh. I'm so confused.

Horoscopes are....

stupid most of the time. I like to read them just to make fun. But today I read one and it blew me away. How true it was I mean. Here it is:

Aries:
Too much time has passed for you to be harboring this grudge. No matter what your feelings are you can't keep dwelling on what's over and done with. Let it go and use the experience to strengthen yourself.

Yeah. It's actually really true. I was just like, wow.

Life goes on...

I haven't posted in forever. Life goes on, eat, sleep, work. You know the routine. Plus recently most of the posts on this have been SUPER depressing, so I've been staying away. But I'm back now, still slightly depressed, but doing better.

And I'm going to try to post more, I promise.

New Year. Hopefully, New Beginnings.

The holidays are pretty much over. Now I'm facing a new year. A new year which I hope will bring new beginnings, new adventures, and less stress. Definitely less stress would be nice.

2008 has been a good year.

I've made new friends. I seriously don't know what I'd do without April and Courtney. They are both amazing friends.

I had my first kiss, and fell in love for the first time. They were both wonderful experiences, and even though it didn't turn out the way I would've liked, I wouldn't change any of it for the world.

But even though the year has been pretty good, I'm feeling down. I want next year to be better.
I don't want to stress. I'll be 19 in April. I want to have fun. I want to live my life to the fullest. But I just don't know how. I need someone to show me. I need someone to take my hand, to take me into the fast lane, to show me there is more than work, school, and stress. Cause I'll have plenty of that when I'm older. I want someone to love me for exactly who I am, who will help me through my freakout moments. Who isn't afraid to look stupid. Someone who doesn't constantly worry about what people might be thinking about them all the freaking time, I want someone to teach me how. Someone. Someone out there. I don't know where he is. But I hope he finds me soon. Because you have no idea how bad I need him. I can pretend to be whole, but right now I feel as though a part of me is missing.

So yeah. That's what I'm hoping will happen next year. But I know it's not going to happen. I'm just going to stress about work, school, money, and all the little things. I'm alone, I have no one to show me those things.

Life goes on. And no one stops to think about one insignificant, sad, lonely girl.